| It's been some time.. |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|09:18 am] |
It's been some time since I last wrote anything of meaning.
I've gone sort of numb. Well, that's not really true. But I am to the point where writing just doesn't give me the release that it used to. I feel like writing is a chore. I can't talk about all of the things I want to talk about. I can't just let loose. There's so much emotion bottled up inside of me. I'm not normally one to bottle up shit, but for some time I haven't let go. I don't bother telling people things because everyone has their own problems (which are always worse than everyone else's), and I don't need to burden people with the shit that is in my head because I'm just bitter and angry and nobody needs that baggage. With each passing week I become more and more crazy. There is so much going in my life. There's also nothing going on my life. The combo of those two things is chaos in my head. You'd think they'd wipe each other out, and I'd be blank, but it's actually the opposite.
I know what my problem is. Well, my main one anyway. But it can't be solved with the wave of a wand, and it's also not something I can just "fix". It's not something I can work on internally. The thing I need doesn't come out of nowhere. It's earned. It happens one day and most people don't even know it until later. I once had what I needed, but somewhere in the toss up, I lost it. One day, I realized it was gone. It's my own damn fault too. I can't blame anyone, and I don't.
And yes, I'm being deliberately vague. To explain would open up a bag of worms. Really gross, ugly, big, fat worms. But hey, I needed to write something down before I exploded.
So there you have it. Well, really, there I have it. This wasn't really what I thought about starting to write. Nor is really as long as I was planning. But I'm not sure what else to say. |
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| Oy Vey |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|08:38 am] |
It's funny how the world feels when it seems as if it's crashing down from the inside out.
I think I've hit a low again. This time it's more like when I used to get depressed many years back, except now there are external things happening that are adding to my insecurities instead of it being simple angst.
A strange thing happened today. Something that if I were in my right mind should not have affected me whatsoever. But instead it made me feel oddly hurt, incredibly awkward and of course, horribly insecure. It kind of topped my scale this morning. It's pretty irrational, I know. However, it somehow managed to shred the last of whatever it is I was holding onto.
I feel like nothing is going quite my way. And as each thing goes wrong I go back and think about all the things that have always not gone quite my way. It's a pattern in my life. It feels as if not much comes easy to me.
Last night I laid on the floor crying my eyes out. It was the 3rd time I've been in tears this week. Oh no wait, make that four. Three of those times were short lived and mostly out self pity, but last night it was a whole different beast. The tears came of their own accord. They poured out uncontrollably. I cried for almost a half an hour straight.
This morning I told one of my coworkers I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She laughed and said I was being dramatic. It's true, I'm being total drama right now. But crawling into a hole and giving up on the world is really not far off from how I truly feel.
I have a vacation coming up that I was more excited than words for. But now I'm worried about it. I didn't do many of the things I wanted to do before it. And now I feel as if I can't even really afford it. My car getting broken into is costing me a lot of money to fix. Whatever vestiges of hope I had left were ripped out along with my stereo.
Many would probably look at me and look at my life and tell me I'm crazy for feeling the way I do. And they are right. I'm nuts. I have tons to be thankful for. But it's that sinking feeling in my stomach they can't see. It's the chaos that abides in my brain.
Sigh. I know I'm just wallowing in my own shit. I know I need to stop. Maybe I'm just super PMSing or something. |
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| Crazy |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|12:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
More and more often I feel crazy.
I feel like I'm that crazy horrible girl that everyone has to warn other people about.
I'm feeling needy and insecure.
I feel fat and homely.
It's horrible.
I get angry at the drop of a hat.
Nobody can say anything that makes me feel better.
Blah. I hate it and I'm not sure how to fix it yet. |
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